250910

Lately there’s quite a lot of things happened around me.

At one point, someone had written a tweet “You can stop yourself from loving a person, but you can never stop someone from loving you. Being mean to them only will make them hate love”.

I was stunned.

Because I I just realize I have changed someone into a love hater.

I thought I been doing the right thing but it is too late to regret about this.

I tried to apologize to him. A word “Sorry” didn’t make the situation better but worse.

There’s nothing much I can do except accepting the fact that he’s walking away.

a sms

That day you had sent a sms saying I am not truly love you because I am not willing to wait for you. Maybe you are right. But somehow, I feel de pain from my heart when I saw this. Eventually this is what you been thought of me.

A girl that not truly love you but did sacrificed for you until certain extent that you will never know.

You said I should blame on you. Perhaps I should blame on myself. Letting myself to get into a trap that I knew there won’t be any good ending between us.

Most of the time I am miserable because of the unknown relationship between us and. Every time you turned me down, I will just smile and tell you “it’s okay”. I learned to keep it for myself and not telling anyone as you said there’s no need to tell anyone about us.

Later i changed to adapt you. Closest friend found me changed a lot and found it unacceptable. I just choose to smile with her and said “yeap, I know I have changed”. I am not who I used to be anymore. I am just like a puppet for you.

After all, all this have become nothing as you take it for granted and you expect me to be there for you with no commitment. While you enjoy your freedom and space, come to me whenever you want to.

I started to wonder if I someone for you.

Finally I found the answer for you instead of asking you. Perhaps, I am not.

I think the story between us should just stop right here. Things will be better when we choose to let go.

在怡保的假日

上个星期借着Hari Raya的假期
去了Ipoh一趟

为什么去Ipoh而不是其他地方呢？

因为早前和朋友提起了塔罗牌
他说他知道一个塔罗牌老师还蛮准的

说起塔罗牌
我还真的蛮相信的

所以决定走一趟
顺便见一见朋友

托一个朋友的福
载了我到Ipoh
接着Ipoh的朋友就来载我去吃午餐

吃完午餐后
就前往塔罗老师的住处
塔罗老师的办公室就在她的家外面
特别盖的一个小房间
为顾客占卜

塔罗老师第一个占卜的是Ipoh的朋友
由于我和他还蛮聊的开
所以他的事情我都大概知道

塔罗老师还真的很准确的
说出他现在的问题等等的

老实说
当塔罗老师说的这么准确时
我还真的很怕
很怕我的牌是很差的

朋友占卜好了后就轮到我了
洗好了牌后
抽了12张牌出来

一开始开的牌是关于我的事业
塔罗老师说我现在做的工作很辛苦
而我有想要逃跑的感觉
很多东西等我我学习
我将会花很多无谓的时间在工作上

当她说出这一番话的时候
我的眼睛开始红了起来

啊～ 还真的是很准

我还真的花了很多无谓的时间在工作上
原以为花多一点时间做case
一定可以close case
可是往往我都找不到solution
接着就stuck在那儿好几天
还真的很压力的说

说完事业
接着就说感情的部分

好笑的是当我选感情的第一张牌时
它是被死神和倒塔包围着
塔罗老师直接说我很想恋爱
可是却很怕
就像牌显示的一样怕死人塌楼

听到塔罗老师这么说时
我只能一味的微笑
接着开的牌都是很感情有关的
就像是“他”是怎么看我的等等

最好笑的是
感情的最后一张牌
那一张牌的解说是
虽然我很害怕恋爱可是最后我还是选择了恋爱
矛盾的我啊～

接着下来就是如果我有男朋友会怎样
没有男朋友又会怎样等等的

看完了塔罗牌后
心情变的超低落的

可是我又能怎么样呢？

看完塔罗牌后
就吃吃喝喝的

就这样的过了两天的假日在Ipoh

朋友送了我去ktm
不知道为什么
离开的时候
我哭了

或许是因为又要回到原本的地方面对难题吧
或许两天的假日是太短暂了

很难过的说

150910

Didn’t manage to update my blog for quite some time. Suppose last weekend I should have time to blog but I went to Ipoh. So, nah I didn’t do so. Later I will have a post about it but erm, lets see when I am free to do so. LOL

Tomorrow is 1 malaysia, another public holiday. Suppose to be happily celebrating the public holiday at home. But, nah I am sick >.<

Having flu and sore throat together but not fever. LOL

Now I am over changed my battery (sleep too much). After consuming medicine and zzz, I got hungry. Ish, yeah I am hungry again. T.T

Feels like eating fast food and snack.

Argh!

多余

.
当你的眼泪
一颗颗的从你的眼眶掉下你的脸颊

你会伸手把它擦掉
还是
任由眼泪的掉下在你的脸颊？

当我不服气
或
不想让别人看到我哭时
我会伸手把它擦掉

可是
当我一个人
或
心情真的真的很糟糕时
我就会让它任由的掉在脸颊

因为我知道
就算我擦了
眼泪还是会一直流

与其一直伸手把它擦掉
不如就让它不停的流
哭累了
也就是它干的时候

不用自己去擦
它也会自己干

那伸手擦掉也是多余

这多余的举动
就像是你一直逼自己忘记某些东西
可是却不知道逼自己并没有解决到问题

越逼自己忘记
越忘记不了

不如就让自己麻木
就不会再去想了

很多时候
我们都被自己多余的动作
弄到自己更辛苦

往往没有想到
道理其实很简单

guin

050910

最近发现自己的部落格文章越来越少了

通常文章变的越来越少时
都表示我很忙或我的心情都没有很糟糕

可是今天我却发现
自己写的文章变的少
并不是完全的因为以上的原因

最近是忙了些
究竟在忙些什么
我也不是很清楚
只知道
时间一分一秒的过
日子一天天的过

自己都还在原地

虽然说
还在原地打转似乎没有进步
可是自己的心情却比之前好很多
起码没有那么的钻牛角尖
很多的事情都一笑而过
日子都变的比较容易过

再说
我发现了一些事情
其实人还真的很犯贱
明明眼前就已经有比较好的选择
可是都不要反而爱挑难搞的选择
这除了能说自己犯贱之外
还真的找不到比较好的形容词了

其实很多事情都是我们都可以选择的
今天我选择了伤心
明天我选择了大哭
后天我选择了离开
难过伤心都是我选择的
没有人可以为我做主
没有人可以为我选择

我累了
我就会离开了

事情就会慢慢的被我遗忘
日子还是要过
我还是我

20100831

Yeah. I have moved in my cousin’s place. Since I am still able to blog, it means that I am still alive. LOL.

Thanks to a friend of mine took half day unpaid leave just to help me to move my rubbish; I seriously have no idea how to thank him. I have treated him a meal but I am still very sorry to him because my rubbish is not just little bit but a lot. :S anyway, once again, thanks a lot.
Lately I am kinda depressed, not only because moving into my cousin’s place but also there’s things that really irritated me.

Some people tends to decide things for other people while they thought they are right for doing so and they never ask if it’s okay to do so. They tends to be smart, they tends to be thoughtful. All this is what they thought because they always thought that they are right. Rawr! I hate this kind of people.

:S

I am trying hard to complete this post though because my niece keeps on break in my room, conquer my bed and soft toys. Oh mai, my penguins!!!! yeah, they gonna stay here for 2months ...

250810

Woah, August gonna end soon. Time flies.

Yeah. I am moving in my cousin place soon and I am super duper reluctant to move. Sigh. Why didn’t I reject at the first place? Trust me. I did and that caused me screwed by my cousin badly. I just hate people bla bla nonstop beside me, therefore at the end I said, whatever.

One word,”whatever” have brought me headache this day especially after I visited the room and the parking of the condominium. It’s seriously omfg.

Mostly reserved parking, it’s reserved with invisible sign board. If happen that you accidentally park the reserved parking. The next morning, get prepare with 50bucks and pay the management. I have no idea whytf they can’t put a sign board or anything to indicate the parking is reserved. Put a f*cking paper or anything to show its reserved la. Duh!

Besides that, thanks to the condominium management, I need to move on weekday because public holiday and weekend, furniture cars are not allowed to enter. Therefore I need to take half day off to wait for bed to be delivered.
Brilliant management.

Few more days I will move in my cousin’s place but I still haven’t started to pack anything. Sigh. Move house. No more toy poodle. Cousin gonna deliver baby. Cousin’s parent is coming soon. bla bla bla. Can I just dig a hole and hide myself inside eh?

Pretty sure there will be more story after i move in. :S

140810

Erm. Didn’t manage to update my blog for quite some time.

There’s few times, i feel like writing something but all end up with clicking “x” button on the right top corner.

And so. No update for my blog.

Last week, i have gone back to my hometown to give momo surprise. Erm. She seems like cursing me more that surprise because she didn’t expect i go back home at that time and she’s kinda angry that i didn’t inform her i am going back as she’s been asking me go back for holiday.

5days staying at hometown already made me gained alot of weight which is kinda scary for me. Seriously need to control myself already else i will become a huge and round ball that loitering at the roadside. LOL

After the day back from holiday, i took extra one day leave to rest at home and dinner time i have met up my friend for Japanese buffet. On that day late night, my eye started to be itchy and swollen. I can hardly fall in sleep because my eye was mad itchy and it becomes more and more swollen. Since i need to work on the second day, i kept on telling myself that i need to sleep and it will be ok on the next morning.

The next morning, tala! Okay, my eye didn’t get better but became more swollen and i can barely see my eye. In the mirror, i see straight line on my face and that’s my eye. Mad fugly. Imagine if i have a super tiny one-line eye with this round face, i might have kill myself.

I was struggled in front of the mirror on whether i should go to work or not. End up i made up my mind, i drove to work. Stayed in office for around 1hour checking mails and my colleague sent me to the clinic nearby to check on my eye as they said the swollen is too serious that my eye has already become a line.

i have seriously no idea what cause the swollen, it should be the sashimi in the Japanese buffet. Or Eno that i took on the night. I think it will be more on overdose of sashimi as my friend order two plates of sashimi and i finished most of it.

The funny thing is that, the doctor didn’t know what is sashimi and he thought that it is some kind of mee until his assistant explain to him that it is raw fish bla bla. Then only the doctor understands but i actually doubt that he know what is that. LOL

Hence, i took medical leave on Wednesday. Drive back home, took 6 tablets of super bitter medic, 1 big and round medic and applied eye drop every 4hours. Argh, i hate eye drop. Need to apply eye drop every 4hours really kill me because everytime when i try to apply eye drop, i will close my eye so i need to take long time to apply it. Since it’s too challenge for me. I decided to skip it LOL. Hopefully my eye won’t blind la hor. LOL

Rolling on the bed after taking medics, i had been thinking how if one day i am blind. Staring at my mobile, erm. Touch screen. How do i call up people to ask for help? While trying to figure out how to call people using touch screen if i am blind, i fall in sleep. LOL.

The following days, the swollen are getting better but sometimes my eye area still abit reddish. Erm. I have no idea but continue consume the medic. Hopefully reddish will be gone as soon as possible.

I think for coming months, penguin gonna boycott sashimi! RAWR!

020810

Wee finally August is here!

Work for three more days, i can run away from here. Erm. Ok. Not like permanently run away but at least FINALLY i can take day off. Maybe going back hometown is not relaxing enough because i will be nag, nag and nag by my momo.

Yeap. I think she gonna talk with me about quite alot of things and one of it is asking me to go back and work instead of working at west Malaysia. Besides that, i think she’s been kinda worried with my status which is still single. LOL. I think i am lucky enough because i am not staying at my hometown as my momo will introduce some guys just like what she did for my sister. Wee~ i am safe!

Ok. I think i am not safe if i go back and work. Erm.

Stay back here or go back is a very very difficult decision for me. Been thinking about going back hometown since last year. During Chinese New Year, i have told my sister that i am considering going back hometown and work just that i need some time before i go back. Just when i have that thought in my mind, i was offered by current company which really amazed me.

Upon accepted the job offer, i know the plan of going back hometown will be delay.
I thought i will be happy on having a good opportunity at new company. But, right now, i think i am having problem to deal with the new job.

i feel terrible with my poor performance. Sometimes i really feel like banging the wall with my head. It’s like, i don’t know what’s going and the next second, the bom just come to me. Not to say like very serious being scolded or anything. Just that, i don’t feel comfortable with the way they do it. Erm. Maybe this is one of my problems, i still in the progress to deal with the way they work.

Argh! Lately not only job is bothering me but there’s something else bothering me. Sigh. What i can say is that, i really need a rest. i am tired.

250710

Was talking with my friend de other day and noticed that ...

My friend is totally disagreeing with the way i express my feeling in tweeter and blog. I was kinda surprised. What’s wrong with tweeting and blogging about my feeling? Did i hurt anyone when i tweet or blog? I have totally no idea.

According to my friend, he said that there’s no need to tell everyone around the world about your feeling and situation because everyone have their own privacy. When i tweet or blog, everyone will about my privacy.

When he said so, i stunned. As if everyone care or gossip about what i meet and feel. Even so, it is the choice of that person. If he or she is hyperactive to gossip and talk about other people’s stuff, there’s no way for you to stop them. Maybe you are able to stop few of them but it’s impossible to stop all of them. Everyone have their freedom to talk or comment whatever they want.

I choose to blog at the beginning is to express my own feeling and most of time we just can’t tell the one who is beside us about what‘s happening.

And then he asked why not just write in diary and just keep it for yourself. Ah~ it’s such a good idea but no no. It’s too dangerous to keep a diary. People might “accidentally” found it and read it and that time you will collapse. Another reason is that, yeah i am lazy to write it out using my hand. When i am studying secondary school i used to write but now i seriously prefer type type and type using keyboard.
Since i said its a no no for me to keep a dairy because it’s too dangerous, my friend suggested to write it out in ms word or notepad and do not save it after writing it. Erm. But i feel like keeping it. So nah~ i want to have a copy of it.
After all this fella is just a friend of mine in facebook. He noticed that i been updated my facebook status with twitter selective. Even he know that i blog but he did not know what is my blog url. So phew~ i still can blog and tweet!

You may think that i am stupid enough because i am no longer update my status using tweeter in facebook because of one fella make noise but i just don’t like people think that i am a attention seeker or blah blah blah. PEACE!

220710

最近很努力的把自己弄的好忙好忙

可以一旦静了下来
我的脑袋就会出现一个人
接着我就会开始发呆

或者是不经意的注意到某个时间
我就会看着自己的手机
明明知道不会有人来电可是却期待着那一通电话

还真的不记得自己几时开始有这样的习惯

弄的自己很不开心
弄得自己很失望

我想又要很努力的摆脱这些习惯

毕竟那个人会不会出现，会不会来电
自己的心都已经有了答案

想象

很喜欢用自己的想像力
想象现在的你在做些什么

只要闭上眼睛
脑袋里就会出现微笑着的你

你笑的很灿烂，很开心

原本只是在一旁看着你微笑的我
也因为你的笑容微笑了起来

接着你张开你的双手
示意要和我抱抱

我把我的双手张开
想要抱着你
对你诉说我有多想你

还没来的及反应的我却扑了空

因为
我的前方根本没有人

有的也只是空气

眼睛张开的我
开始傻笑
笑自己忘了只是在想象

guin

它

.
.
明明知道它是这么脆弱
为什么还要去尝试？

明明知道它会让你失去自我
为什么还要继续？

明明知道它会让你很痛
为什么还要让它伤害？

明明知道它的回报率是1%
为什么还要全身投入？

明明知道它是那么难捉摸
为什么还要自讨苦吃？

明明就约好了要保护好自己，不是吗？

不要再让它-爱情弄乱你的节奏吧。

guin

幸福

看着你幸福的模样
还真的忍不住为你微笑了起来

你问我说怎么了？
我微笑着摇摇头
接着你说我脑子一定是出了问题

在我的字典里
“幸福”这两个字
早已经被“羡慕”两个字取代了

没那么幸运会幸福
不如早点把它删除
免得到头来伤心难过的还不是自己

发现

当我发现自己不自禁的打开星座运程
我发现以前那个我渐渐的回来了

当我发现自己不自禁的为你掉眼泪
我知道我们之间已经变的不简单

我知道你只不过是另一个他

我恳求你放过我
可以吗？

就让我回去一个人的日子。

300610 de last day of June

Finally June is gonna end. Actually i am waiting for August :P

Just can’t wait to take a break after so long. One more month to go! Phew~

Today my senior told me news that made me kinda shock. He said that next month will be the last month working in the company. If possible he wanna leave earlier. My response is OMG! No way! Senior gonna leave just like that. He’s the god in our office. Oh mai, seriously can’t imagine the day without him around :S

Later, he asked me that if i enjoy doing support. I answered him yes, because working here makes me feels like time passed very fast compared to my previous job. He said it’s because i have a lot of handling case so time passed very fast and he told me that the reason he’s leaving isn’t only because of he’s tired of doing support but something else. Erm. I think he tried to hint me something huh? Well, i am not very sure and i didn’t ask more because i think i won’t be leaving so soon. So please don’t let me know the ugly side at this moment.

On the way back home, i flashed back the conversation between senior and i. I like the job because time flies when i work here. The reason why i like the job is not because of i like support job but the job fills up most of my time. When job consume most of my time, time flies without notice. Compared with last time, i was too free enough to think a lot of what-if questions that make me miserable. Not to say, this days i am no longer thinking about what-if questions but at least it’s not that frequent.

So, it’s a good thing right? At least for now :)

June will be my last month for probation. Yeap, gonna have review soon. i am not really satisfy with my job performance as i think i have did few mistakes in past 3 months. Different company have different cultural and rules. Yeap, i need time to get used to and survive in new environment. It’s difficult when someone is trying to boycott you. I keep myself with a smile and act like nothing happen most of the time. It’s tough but still has to go on.

240610 Critical Case

Was very busy this few days and i am not in the mood to update my blog. Erm.

This week i am on morning shift again and guess what happen yesterday?

A lady called my mobile at 6 o clock morning. RAWRRRRR I am sleeping and someone called de wrong number which is my number. Duh.

Later when i am on my way to work, it starts raining. Duh. It’s so nice to sleep wei! Yes. I know it is but i need to work! RAWRRRR

After i reached office, turn on my desktop, and with outlook and logs opened, i tend to zzz on my desk. Out of sudden, i wake up and check if there are any new emails and ... yes. Here is it, critical case. My first critical case on early morning!
Omfg. I am the only one on morning shift. I am so freaking sleepy and critical case just came in at this hour. I was shocked and stunned. Luckily, there’s another colleague in my office so i called him and told him that there’s critical case. We opened up the case and read the description. My head was full of question marks and so do my colleague. We totally have no idea on what is customer trying to say. Duh. Few minutes later, manager came in. She’s early that day. She asked me to call the customer. RAWR i tried to call but i didn’t managed to call the number. End up my colleague have to help me to call the customer which is allocated at US. After ding dong here and there, we tried to log in their servers remotely and ... tala! We have no idea on how to log in to their server.

While finding ways to log in customer’s server, customer been IM me and asked how’s investigation and blah. I am stressed. My brain is dead. Totally have no idea on the product that customer were using right down. As i dare not tell customer that we are still looking for a way to access their server, i just tell him that we are listing the logs that customer need to provide to us. While bullshit with customer, suddenly he said the service have comes up and it is working. Duh. I hate this. He asked me if i did anything on the server. Oh man, i don’t even know how to access the server, how do i change anything or reboot the server? Amazing. The service comes up itself.
Suppose, i should be happy and ask customer to close the case. Yeah right~ As if they are so kind will close the case just like this. They will still ask you for root cause. If you can’t provide, they will never ever close the case.

After discussion with my colleague, we suspected it’s the network issue on their site but they will never ever admit that. Hence, we still need to provide proof but the traces can only be done when the service is down. So, we need to wait until the issue re-occur. Because the service is up and running, we are not able to do any traces, so the case has been downgraded to major case. Phew~ its major case now, at least i do not need to close the case within x hours.

Today, when i am almost off work, comes in another two critical cases from different customer. For the first case, I did not notice that until manager come out from her room, she pass by my cubicle, i know she is talking but i don’t know what the heck is she talking about because i am happily listening songs using headphone. Until my colleague who is sitting in front of me, look at me with a very big eye and talk with me. I took off my headphone and asked her what happen and she said got critical case. Oh man. Just 15more minutes and it is out of my business. RAWRRRR

But afternoon shift colleague was blur enough and she picked up the case but later paris support team have took back the case. So, end of the story of first critical case.

Around 5minutes later, another critical case comes in. Seriously i am so freaking pek cek because another 5minutes, i can run away from my office already. Luckily the customer owner, my colleague is around, so she picked up the case.

Ok, i think today i am slightly lucky? LOL

180610

不知道为什么
每每我想要有个人在身边的时候
我总是找不到人
而最后都是自己一个人

我不奢求身边总是有个人让我依靠
但是偶尔低落的我
难免需要一个人
哪怕人不能到
一通电话的安慰
我也不会埋怨
我会很知足

我想我要的并不会过分

可是为什么最后
我都的自己一个熬过去

我并不是不坚强
我并不是不独立

为什么我连这样小的要求都没有资格拥有？

梦

.

他们常爱说
日有所思，夜有所梦

可是有时候
日没有所思，夜却有所梦
还真的让我很懊恼

连续两天了
都发了差不多同样的梦
庆幸的是
梦里的我并没有很盲目
没有做错决定
但是梦里的我却难免有点难过

要是现实生活里
发生了同样的事情
说不定我不能像梦里一样做对的决定

希望今晚不要再发类似的梦
因为这样的梦
不论我在梦里做现实生活里
都会觉得内疚
都会觉得难过